I Finally Made it to the Top

Tonight I was returning back to my office on the 2nd floor of my building at the company I've worked at for over 11 years. As I was pressing the elevator button I was simultaneously overcome with two feelings. One was guilt caused by the signage posted immediately outside of the elevator scolding employees to actually WALK up the stairs rather than laze it up the elevator. These signs are pretty good too. They say things like, "Exercise more than your finger, take the stairs!" Clever. I was particularly guilt-ridden since I'd just gotten done working out and really, two levels? Bum.

The other feeling was one I don't often experience. I hate to even bring it up. I told myself I'd write it down, though, in an effort to be honest and to remember the little things. The other feeling was the teeeniest, eeeniest sense of pride. Even typing it makes me cringe a little. I think I should erase this whole thought from my head and the computer and pretend I wasn't proud. But the truth is, I was a little bit proud of myself or at the very least, I felt a wave of a sense of accomplishment. And you know what? It felt good. So there. The truth is and what I actually thought was, "hmmm, neat". So I'm going to call it "neat" instead of pride. I felt neat.

The reason for my "neat"? I realized standing at that elevator, that I had been there before. I was suddenly brought back to 1999, my first year of law school. I was working as an engineer and attending school nearly full time at night. I was somehow emboldened one day to pick up the phone and call one of the big shot patent attorneys who had worked here for years in an effort to learn more about what I one day wanted to do. The patent attorneys sat in an adjoining building which housed all of the big shots. This building used to be the headquarters and the big shot attorneys sat on the 2nd floor. I wasn't at all convinced I'd ever be 'good enough' to wind up in the role of these guys on the 2nd floor. And I was okay with that. I enjoy my job, I really enjoy learning new things. But I was never what you'd call very confident. I was so intimidated then, I felt so insecure and yet, I pressed the button to the elevator (I must have ignored the signage then too) and waltzed right in to several attorneys' offices having absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into. Some of those lawyers are still here. And so I am. They are big shot patent attorneys still and as fate (and quadrillions of hours of studying) would have it, I am one too, minus the 'big shot'. Fortunately for me, I think my lack of confidence makes me work harder. I believe I've worked very hard but always my family came first so even with hard work, the 2nd floor still seemed out of reach.

But tonight I pressed that same elevator button to that same floor and waltzed into my lovely little office, with pictures of my lovely little kids plastered everywhere and my work splayed about. The odds were against me winding up here on the second floor of this builiding working as a patent attorney. The building changed and different groups have moved in and out. My group really didn't even belong here and this has only been our temporary holding place for a year or two. In fact, we're moving in a few weeks to a new building and we'll be on the 7th floor, the 8th floor being the top.

But you know what? I think this temporary location of mine was meant to be so that for one moment in my work life I could say, "I made it to the top". You see, the second floor of this building is the top floor.

If only fleetingly, I've come full circle and I'm not ashamed to say, I think it's pretty neat.

Post Script: Paula (very sweet) reminded me of the post script I wanted to include. I believe that God gave me my little moment yesterday because just yesterday morning I was telling Rachie that I really didn't think I could do my job. I was feeling pretty crummy about the whole thing. And just like that He swoops in with the message, "You can and you are good enough, I made you that way". But I especially love the irony that He makes sure I don't get a big head or too carried away with this pride thing--He is after all, knocking me down a level (7th floor remember?) and I'm perfectly happy with that.